God--is everything you need him to be

People always say not to open your bible expecting to find an answer or find the words of encouragement that you need because more often than not you'll open it to something totally random and unrelated. Well, I don't agree with those people because most of the time, I open my bible right to the verse or passage I need to calm my heart and restore my soul.

I drove home from work today with hard pressing feelings of failure and discouragement. This new job is so totally different than what I am used to. It's taking me a little bit longer then it probably should for me to grasp everything in the social service department that I need to know to function independentaly. My time is divided between two different departments though. So my supervisor pointed out the concerns she had over some of these limitations to me right before I left for the day. I'm sure she wanted to openly communicate how to improve myself, and it wasn't intentionally negative, but that's all I could focus on. Once again, I felt like a frustrated college student disappointing her supervisor because her time management is less then perfect, or she's not functioning independently enough, or she isn't grasping quickly enough what hasn't even been properly explained to her....It made me ask myself do I have what it takes to do my job?

Of course, me being the type who wants to leave a good impression and please everyone, this made me question everything from my skills, and ability as a professional, to my self-worth, my intellect, and whether or not I made a mistake by leaving SAAC. (Even amongst my doubt, fret and fears, I know I couldn't have lasted there too much longer.) Maybe I need to be faster, more agressive, more outspoken, more confident. So I drove home feeling worried, panic-stricken and guilty.

I am way too hard on myself sometimes because I want to impress, and I want to go above and beyond, and I certanly don't want to ever be considered less than satisfactory. So this built up for about 15 minutes and seeped out as I let discouragement and doubt and the satan's lies take a hold of me. I justed wanted REST, from everything, from it all...from the insecurities and the responsibility and just rest from my life. I prayed that God would encourage me and to feel his presence surround me.

When I finally arrived home and let out a few shrills and groans, and opened my bible to a page that was already sectioned off with the bookmarker ribbon. The first thing my eyes gazed upon was "stand firm in the Lord"
I continued to read...
Phil 3:12-
"Not that I have already obtained all this or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

("But I don't want to press on anymore", I interupped my scripture reading, "I don't have the strength in me" I whined...)

"All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained" (God responded.)

(Well that kept my mouth shut. How could I argue that?)

But I wasn't completly at peace with that. I still felt like I needed more convincing.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which trancends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is loverly, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such thing."

And finally, the grand finale, "I can do all things through him who gives me strength."

Well that put me in my place....and I felt much better, that could have been enough, then I was reminded of the words to this song (Rest Easy) byAudio A:

One more mile 'til I lay rest

I have put myself through this rigid test

But the mile has never ended no distance has been gained

I do not see greatness I wanted to obtain

Where is my embrace from the race that I have run?

I have kept a steady pace but still I have not won

[CHORUS]

Rest easy

have no fear

I love you perfectly

love drives out fear

I'll take your burden

you take My grace

Rest easy

in My embrace

I am such a sinner

I fear my evil ways

I fear my imperfection

I fear my final days

I just want to take control

and snap this rusty chain

drop my heavy burden

it seems to be in vain

[REPEAT CHORUS]

[BRIDGE]

I am not a bold man

even though I want to be

I am just a dreamer with a timid history

Scared of confrontations

I fume all through the night

the world has it's hold on me and I just want to fly

The sky, the sky is open wide

but I can't fly 'til I step aside

[CHORUS II]

Rest easy

have no fear

I love you perfectly

and perfect love drives out fear

I'll take your burden

you take My grace

Rest easy

in My embrace

I'm amazed at how everytime God can take one mess of a person and quietly, gently, retore him back to what God created him to be (over and over and over and over and over and over....)