seeing and doing

Nina, this is one of the things that I read in my book this morning that sort of just blew me away. I need stuff like that to just put me in my place.

This is from Sex God by Rob Bell...

You can't be connected with God until you're at peace with who you are. If you're still upset that God gave you this body or this life or this family or these circumstances, you will never be able to connect with God in a healthy, thriving, sustainable sort of way. You'll be at odds with your maker. And if you can't come to terms with who you are and the life you've been given, you'll never be able to accept others and how they were made and the lives they've been given. And until you're at peace with God and those around you, you will continue to struggle with your role on the planet, your part to play in the ongoing creation of the universe. You will continue to struggle and resist and fail to connect.

Preach it Rob! He's got the nail on the hammer or whatever. I have been struggling with feeling connected again, with people, friends, reality, and it's such a spirtiual thirst I need quenched. I feel like something is lacking deep within me and it surfaces as something I'm lacking that others seem to have. It in turn transpires itself to me feeling disconnected from everything and resisting my place in this world and wanting to change my situation to better my possibility of connecting somehow instead of just submissivly settling in the place where God has me now.

Tonight, as I drove home I had a revelation that I want to start applying to my life. Instead of quietly critizing the flaws, and imperfections, I see in others... Instead of inwardly, grumbling and complaining about how I feel wronged, or let down by someone...I've decided that I'm going do what seems like the most unnatural thing I would want to do and I'm going to pray for them. It's not something I think would be easy to do, (I could barely bring myself to do it tonight) but I think that I will have a much harder time grumbling and complaining and tearing another down when I hold someone up in prayer. It's what I would want someone to do for me. And I think it will untimately lead up to me feeling more connected again.

update

I actually wrote the poem in the previous blog a few years ago, based on a specific event that happened. Lately the poem has been on my mind, as it feels like history repeating, so I decided to post it. I remember wanting to write a evasive poem opened to interpretation that only the author would really know what it meant, like so many poems I've read before. I read this poem after I had wrote it and actually forgot want it was about, until lately because it's a poem based on feeling an emotion, not on consequences, or fact so much.

Wavering Sentiments

Herein lies what is no more
To the eyes it can't be seen
Wasted time a hopeless crime
Proliferate the could have been

As circumstance feeds on prey
A victim struck by suprise
Struggle and fight to challenge that plight
But in the end it dies

Suffer no more the little head
A vigilante caught in dismay
Blinding the eyes to cover up lies
Paints the rose tinted glasses dark gray

Still a bleak dark road not ventured by man
Like a vagabond with no place to leave
To rise above fear won't happen here
For it's safter to doubt than believe

Mysterious how disillusion plays fair game
though encased by a shield of concrete
It cuts like a knife to consider the life
Of what life would be like not discrete