Here's hoping for an awesome weekend!!

Thanks girls for checking up on me. I love you guys!!!

hard to breathe

My life seems like a failure. No matter how good I do, I'm humbled at the fact that I'm no good at anything I do. I've encountered an semi expected bump in my life and I'm not sure why I am so relieved, yet so inconsolible. Times like this I'm thankful I'm a Christian, it's times like this that Christianity is the hardest faith to hold.
Another dead-bolt, another locked door. Another blind little girl lost it all.

hard to swallow

I hate to admit it, but I think it's true...I'm a commitment-phob. I want so much to be able to just jump right in and know that I can expect something to stick around for awhile, but it seems like once I do, everything just always seems to find a way to fade away. It's so dissapointing. It's true when they say nothing lasts forever.
I'm not 100% certain, but I'm pretty convinced that my sunday school group, III Twenty is going to cease. This really disheartens me because I spent such a long time trying to find a sunday school in an atmoshpere where I felt I belonged. III Twenty did that for me. It was a group of people around my age who were on the same page as me. It was so awesome to have a ministry that reaches out to 20's and 30's who actually may not have gotten married yet. We singles need that sort of thing, otherwise we see all our married friends everywhere we look and then begin feel like 2nd-hand leftovers. Plus, I got good teaching and now it's going to come to an end (I assume). I was starting to make friends, I was starting to grow, I was starting to have a positive outlook on things. Part of me really wants to believe that it's me jumping to conclusions, but it would just be my luck for it to be true.
So what now?? Where will I go next? Maybe I'm numb. Maybe I'm apathetic, or indifferent, or maybe I'm just kicking my real feelings to the curb, but lately it sure does ssem to feel like God is closing doors for me and not opening up new ones but deadbolting them instead. I'm called to trust God with my whole heart. I want to trust God, because if I can't trust God, then nothing is worth trusting in. But it's so hard. It's hard because although I'm soo amazingly blessed, my idea of how I would like my life to be and where God has my life now are conflicting. How do you give up something you really want so badly, and still be happy and fufilled? I'm pondering these things and feeling like a hampster in a wheel; draining all my enegry yet making no progress...going nowhere and accomplishing nothing. I feel like there's a constant struggle to lay down my wants to be obedient to Christ. It makes me so sad because laying them down makes me lose hope. Nothing seems to make sense anymore. No wait that's a lie. Nothing ever really made sense to me.
I just question everything now... I'm afraid to invest in people sometimes because I fear that once I let my guard down, I will get hurt or discarded. But it's like a paradox because I want to invest in people so much.
The thing that I hate about myself so much is that I have these ridiculous and I do mean RIDICULOUS insecurities and I don't know how to rid myself from them. It's like a shadow or worse, a like tumor that sucks the life out of you. I like the person I would be without this monkey on my back.
Well even David, had his down days right? He has seen the dirty bottom of a life with little meaning and felt attacked and hopeless at times. Yet God was still faithful to him and made him great. So I'll just cheer myself up with that and pull myself from the gutter and force myself to be happy. Once I do, that's where I find the answers I'm looking for. I know God has me and he's not going to let me go. I know this because he's never left me in want. (I may have left myself in want) but God always provided for me everything I've ever needed. So Praise God even when I'm dissapointed that the things I hold dear my come to pass, because my Father is the one thing that I know won't ever fade away!

They're all lurking in the corners--they're all out to get me!!

So today was pretty original. I had an encounter with three animals today: a pig, a deer and a skunk.

Actually, the first one really wasn't a pig, but a cop. So this morning I finally join in with the rankings and got a ticket. Word to the wise, don't daydream and try to drive....it mostly likely will result in a traffic violation. But it wasn't even for speeding. I speed daily, but the one time I rolled past a hard to see stop sign or a desolate back road on my way to work, lo and behold I get "punked." The wierd thing is that I usually stiffen up and panic when I see a cop car even if I'm doing nothing wrong. Today I didn't see him at the scene of the crime. I saw him as I made a left turn at a different sign and thought to myself 'good thing I stopped at the sign." Then he put his ligths on and pulled me over and I had no idea why...I was baffled. I had been guilty of daydreaming.

So then I did my day and tonight I was reminded that it's deer season. I saw them lurking in the dark corners. I saw one standing there getting ready to jump out in front of my car. But I gave it a dirty look as I drove past and it stayed put. I have been scarred from last year. Everytime I see the walking road putty, I think "NO DEER!!" I'm telling they all must be playing chicken or suiciadal maniacs or just the densest animal on the planet and think "gee a car...it must be safe to cross the road now....doah".

I finally made it home safe...no more tickets...no more deer shaped dents in my car and I stumble my tired legs toward the apartment when I hear a sudden rustle of leaves and look right next to me and there is a skunk about 5 feet from me! I stiffened. I was afraid that if I moved a muscle that skunk who was staring me down would make me stink for a week. I just waited, a power of wills and he finally waddled away.

Well there it is a long overdue post. I could make it so much more poignant and colorful if I wasn't so concerned with just going to bed, where the only thing that can be out to get me are the bedbugs.