I'm grumpy!

Today was yucky. I woke up 7 minutes before I had to leave for work. Luckily I showered last night. I couldn't really focus at the senior center again. My head was in the clouds probably goofing off which made me late for an reassessment, which made me annoyed with myself. Then I found out not long before we closed that we would not be receiving standard of living raises this year. This set me off on a silent rampage and I sent in an application for another job. I'm not even going to get into the injustice of the senior center. That would get me so heated I might throw my shoe at my laptop. I need out of that place. I love what I do but have come to hate doing it because, I get no satisfaction from it anymore.
I drove to Atlanta Bread in tears feeling guilty, discouraged, abandoned, and heart wrenched. If I was a cartoon, I'd be waiving that little white flag.
I didn't get to take a refreser nap between the jobs so I was dragging all night. The kids at Atlanta Bread need Jesus so badly it makes me want to cry. I was able to talk to "Moe" a bit tonight. He really must be lonely or crying out for attention. He confessed that he is bisexual, and hinted at his encounters with some guy last night. I was able to remain nonjudgemental and non threatening. I asked him about youth group and just as I expected but was disappointed to hear, he only goes for the socialization. He considers himself to be an anarchist. He believes in God, but hates organized religion. I am not a big fan of organized religion myself, so I told him to visit this website I heard about on the word fm, www.notreligion.org is what I think it is. I desperatly hope that I can somehow reach him and stir him into seeking out the truth. He is a good kid and I know that he could have a great life. But he so entertwined with the world that reality has been escaped in every possible way. He struggles with depression. He isn't taking meds anymore. He said he is happy, but I think it's a cover up. I can't possibly see how he can be happy when he's filling his life with things that cause emptiness and heartache.
Why had God waited over years to start letting these kids pour their lives out to me? Have I only just become someone who is easy to talk to, and why wasn't I before?
There's another new kid, he remained quiet all night long and then suddenly right after we closed he decides to start telling me about his teenage drama....another one with an innocent looking face....hardly innocent. The kid barely turned 16 and is helping young girls to cheat on their boyfriends with him. He makes himself out to sound quite like the typical Casanova. I struck him with some good observations to ponder orienting him with the future and how nice girls (decently innocent and pure), like the kind like he hopes to marry one day, are looking for nice guys, and asked him how could it be fair to expect a girl who waited until marriage for a guy who at least tried to do the same, when you clearly made no attempt, or something to that effect. (wow...what a run-on)
I feel like I have a mission there right now for time being, although I just have come to hate the customers and work involved, I might be able to impact some of these kids in a positive way.
Ok, no maybe I'm not that grumpy, althought I am extremely fatigued and it's hot and muggy and I stink of sweat from working with little to no air conditioning, I am more just melancholy, somber, or maudlin.
I know I need to make changes, but I'm not really sure where to start or what to change.
Have you ever analyzed so hard that you couldn't finish one thought before you devil advocated with another? Yeah that's the cat and mouse game that has been played in my head all day. Hopefully my sleep is sweet and refreshing.
Good night.

An influence yet ever so slight

I think that I can finally see that God might be working through me at Atlanta Bread....finally! I got teased all throughout the day today about various things. "So your going to Kenya to convert the heathens to Christianity," was a comment made by this guy Jayson. He's probably the only employee other than Dom that is older than me. He acts like he's the same age as the kids, he's fun though. I corrected him that I am going to help the childeren with AIDS, not with the intention to convert them. Plus, many do know God, there are a lot of Kenyan Christians.
But he can see my heart, even though I never remember professing my Christianity. They all call me the church going girl. I've somehow, someway have been shining and I never knew it. I was actually able to witness to this kid named Ryan. He was asking questions and challenging me about revelant questions from the Bible, like, If God is such a loving, and merciful God, why did he destroy all the people from the flood and only saved Noah and his family. Why didn't he just soften their hearts? I think he went to a Catholic church and saw all of the hyprocasy and was turned off. But I got to tell him what I believe and why I believe it and altough he probably took what I said with a grain, I was still able to possibly plant some seeds. I hope that he at least thought about some of the stuff I said and didn't instantly dismiss it.
So I am so glad that I'm getting teased at work. I love it. I'm different from them and they can see it and are commenting on it and that is awesome. They still accept me and hopefully respect me.

The X factor-Is dork really dork??

Ok you all know that I think that dorks are just the cutest. This morning I had a run for my money. I was watching the morning news for the weather like I usually do, and my favorite news caster on channel 10 is, John Ogden, with the traffic report. I like him because he's around my age and I used to think he was the perfect blend of "hottness" and "dorkness". So this morning out of sheer boredness and the need to waste time, I decided to find out more information on him. He's from Philly and went to LaSalle which is cool, but the still framed picture of him just screamed it. I read that he was a member of the theatre group, which confirmed it even more. Then I read it in black and white. He lives with the boyfriend. Haha...it's silly. I don't care that he's gay. But I wonder if that "dork" factor that I have is more of a gay sensor kind of thing. It guess it's not always like that, but it made me wonder.

Yippee!

Exactly one month until Kenya!!! I can't wait!!!

The Turning - Out Of My HandsFrom the album Learning To Lose

All my restless heart could do is cry
I stepped on out into the night
The tides turned again and nothing felt right
I searched for truth I sought your light
And all my restless heart could do is cry

Chorus: (2x’s)
And everything I held is out of my hands
Everything You bless is not what I planned
Not what I’d see, Not what I’d dreamed

My hearts hope will rise and fall with the wind
A gentle breeze will blow me over again
I’m walking unstable

Chorus: (2x’s)

And all the things I held were dragging my heart so far down
And the things I dreamed were nothing, there nothing as they’d seemed
And then I question You and doubt You as the God I known
All over again, You saved me from myself

Chorus: (2x’s)

It’s out of my soul, it’s out of my soul
You saved me from myself,
You saved me from myself

This is a brand new song that aired on the radio this morning. It reminds me of "Moe". It reminds me of myself. It reminds me of what every Christian in the world no doubt has felt. It hits close to home. It's a good song.

Poor unfortunate soul

My heart is troubled for our youth. Working at Atlanta Bread has really opened my eyes to the challenges and difficulties teens are facing, making me realize how amazingly sheltered and fortunate I was almost a decade ago, I never had to go through what some of these kids are going through. The hardest part to know is that they are doing it alone. I had a relationship with the Lord to help me through the difficult times in my life. I couldn't imagine doing it alone.
There is this fairly new guy, I'll just call him "Moe". I think he started a few days before I left for my trip to Ireland/Spain. Before I left, I do remember talking to him, and the kid had worn his heart on his sleeve, telling me things like how he struggled in school, and how his parents kicked him out of the house when he turned 18, and I'm sure a few other sob stories. It didn't hit me too hard the first time I worked with him, but last night Moe told me more things that have happend.
I asked him why he was so quiet, and he said that he had a pretty rough week. After getting kicked out of the house, he had been sleeping in parks. He had brought a pocket knife to school, and one of his buddied ratted him out and so he was arrested and expelled. Two weeks before he would have graduated! His parents let him come back home, but things between them and him are apparently still rocky.
This kid has got the most sweet innocent face, minus some wild hair, you wouldn't suspect that his life is being ripped apart at the seems. But it is. I'm sure he's got to be undergoing some depression, and feelings of rejection, abandoment, and loneliness.
After his shift was over, one of his school mates who works with us, told me that he joined the trench coat mafia. How sad. He also said that he carries around handcuffs, and when question about them, Moe said he was meeting up with some girl later. This might imply a sexual addiction. The good thing is that he also told me that Moe has been going to a youth group every Tuesday night. So at least he's searching. He's got to be looking for something, and he's probably more open to the word then others may be.
This kid has been on my mind all last night and when I woke up this morning. I want to desparately help him somehow. I want to tell him that he is loved. That God can fill that emptiness and relieve some of his pain. I want to tell him that he can make his life better, that he doesn't have to keep living this way. He hap the potential to make a change for the good. I want to give him hope and I want to show him the way.
I can't do it without God working though me though. I am praying hard for this kid. He needs Jesus really badly. Please pray for him to, and that God present an opportunity for me to reach him somehow.

the jet lag is going to get you...

It's 2 in the morning and I am wide awake because my body thinks it's 8 am. Nina, and I arrived home last night. We had a marvelous time. I won't got though every detail. Nina did a good job of summarizing our trip on her blog. Though part of me didn't want to come home because I was far away from the responsibilities of life, (ie. working 2 jobs, paying bills, going back to filling my shoes again) the other part of me is glad to be home, becasue traveling can be tiring. George was very nice to (drop us off and) pick us up at the airport, of course, I let him borrow my car while we were away. On our way home I stopped at Fran's, (the lady for whom I cat sit) to have a short visit with her and pick up my paycheck. I had cat sat for her for 3 weeks before our trip, so I think that I got back about the same amount I spent on my vacation, aside from the airfare. It's too bad I have to go and shoo the whole thing off to world servants now to help pay for the remainder of my balance for my kenya trip. It's worth it though. I really need a moutain top experience (not that this trip wasn't a high point) but I need to reminded of the joy that fills my heart when I serve others out of willfullness (willingness), (not necessarily out of a job requirement).
I am very anxious to go to Kenya. I really can't wait. As far as I'm concerned that two weeks is not long enough for me. I could be there for two months, maybe even two years. Two weeks is too short. It just gives you enough time to settle down the disruption of leaving everything else behind and acclimate to your new surroundings, and begin building connections with teammembers and the people in the community of which your are serving only just long enough before you're all issued back on a plane and "deported" back home. It's like a watching a brief clip of a movie. You get to see a small portion of what it's about and how the story is beginning to unfold and no sooner then you are interested to see what happens next, they cut it off in the middle of a scene and you are disconnected from any more clips.
I'm anxious to find out what God has in store for me. He hasn't really answered any of my big profound prayers yet, but He has been answering these silly little prayers of mine (and immediately too), and even when my attiitude has been more selfish and annoyed, like after 5 minutes of light rain, "Lord, please let it stop raining here in Ireland" and the rain stopped no sooner than the prayer was ended, or "Lord, please calm the crying babies on this plane" and right there after not another tear was shed for the remainder of the flight. He's teaching me that if I can trust him with the small piddily things that don't really matter, how more so will He attend to the deepest cares of my heart in time.
It's not that I haven't been putting my trust in God. I have, but sometimes in life you need to be reminded of these things. Like for example, the minute you step foot in a plane, you are immediately entrusting your life in the hands of the pilot. The fact whether you make it to your final destination, or not, is out of your control but is assumed by someone hopefully qualified to do the job. Some people may not waste a second thought on the fact that there could be a mechanical problem, or that the pilot could be overtaken by a terrorist, causing the plane to go down. These are extremely unlikely possibilities, but have happend before in the past, eh? But they just sit and enjoy the ride, face plastered to the window looking at all the white puffy clouds below. Then, there's some people who get on the plane with no worries, doubts or fears, but the moment the plane flies through even light turbulance, or an unuaual noise is heard, a wave of tension or maybe even panic enters their minds, until the plane become silent and still again. Or there's the people that have to dope themselves up with muscle relaxers and alcohol, so outwardly they may seem calm. Yet inwardly they coax the plane to keep flying, straight and steady, their internal murmers fueling the engine to keep the plane cruising through the air as if the minute they stopped the plane would sprial down to the ground in flames. Then there's those who will never fly because they can't take that risk. Their feet or safer on the ground, right?
...I just felt the analogy coming on and decided to go with it. Now, I'm not even sure how it relates to the point I was trying to make, except to say that literally when I'm on a plane I sit there and enjoy the ride. I love to fly. Bumps and noises don't really bother me at all. But if I was to compare that analogy with my life, I would think they do. So when the pilot gets on the PA system and announces there will be turbulance, and to remain seated until it runs its course, I just have to trust him at his word, to sit there and just enjoy my ride.
I'm getting to profound for myself right now. Stupid jet lag. My mind is wide awake, but my brain thinks I should be alseep because it's dark out.
It's dead silent right now. All I can hear is the quiet rumble of the generator outside and the clicking of the keypad. It's so peaceful. I better try to lull myself back to sleep so I can try to get back on our time.
I really had a good time on our trip. Meeting people who were studying and traveling and grasping their life and doing something with it really had an impact on me. I was a little worried that I shouldn't have gone on this trip because of the money problem. Now, I'm certain that I was supposed to. I really needed it. I think it has helped me put things in to perspective. Break that cycle of waking up doing your thing, going to bed and repeat cycle. I'm thinking and looking at the options for me and about the possibilities that lie before me. Go watch the movie last holiday with queen latifa. It was the perfect movie to end the trip with.